It was a really rotten day in the universe.

That's a line from a song, and it was certainly my evening yesterday. My bus didn't come. The second bus (1/2 hour later) was late, so I went and took a different line. I was 1/2 hour late to pick up the girls. Who were bickering over stupid stuff. Went to pick up a prescription that was to be ready at 4:30 (it was nearly 6 by then). It wasn't ready. Got home, checked messages to get a message from a friend whose mother died. My mom called later, and I was telling her this, and she said "well, I'm going to make it worse." My second cousin died (on 12/17). He was a man that my youngest got really close to at the reunion and called Grandpa Dick. We were hoping to visit them sometime this summer. I've decided not to tell her, because I think she's young enough she may forget who he is if we don't talk about him, and then when she's older I'll bring the picture out of the two of them again. On top of it, I woke up at 3 this morning and haven't been back asleep. And I have 4 appointments one on top of the other between 10:30 and 2 today. One is my first grader's choir concert at school. That should be cheering at least. And she looks really cute today.

I guess we all have days like this. Mostly, I feel bad for my little one, because she can't pursue her relationship with "grandpa" dick anymore, and the families of both people who died. There should be a rule about dying during holiday seasons. It's always so much harder. Grandpa Dick's sister's husband died 31 years ago, the 18th of Dec. What tough memories at the holidays.

So everyone out there who may, or even who may not, read this, hugged your loved ones today.

Post electionday thoughts

It's the morning after election day tuesday, and I'm sitting at my desk trying to decide how I feel. I am surprised that there wasn't a bigger sweep by the democrats, though I am certainly not unhappy that there was one at all. I think I am most disappointed by my home state. When I was out east in college, I was always proud to be from the one state that could be counted on to vote blue. After all, we were one of what - 3? - that went for Mondale for president! But last night I was mostly just disappointed in my fellow minnesotans. Tim Pawlenty again is bad enough - but Michele Bachman? Please. Are you telling me that people really think she is sane? A better representative of our people than Patty Wetterling? Michele Bachman is just pure evil. She is all for advancing her own agenda and not at all for that of the people. It just makes me sick to think about it.

On a more positive note - a commentator last night, talking about how quickly the local race in District 5 was decided, said that District 5 was the among the most democratic districts not only in MN but in the US in general. That is MY district. I was very proud at that one moment. At least all my local people won (but as just previously stated - that wasn't too much of a surprise. Neva Walker got 89% of the vote, Linda Berglin 85%, and Keith Ellison on 58%, but that was because the Inds and Reps split the rest 21%, 21%). Keith Ellison is the first muslim in the senate -- I think that is terrific. Maybe it will make them think a bit more about the world at large now.

For now, we can only sit back and see what the next 2 years bring and hope for the best in 2008.

Racism

I just got off the phone with my mother. She lives in a nice suburb. Mostly white, but working on integrating. This summer, the house next door to them was sold to a Hmong family. She told me that just the other day, the family was hit with the third act of hate vandalism since they moved in. In July. That's basically once a month. So far, it has all been drive by incidents directed at the cars. The electronics got stolen the first time, the cars were egged the second time, and this last time paint was thrown over them. What motivates people to behave this way? My folks are working to get the community involved to stop what has been happening. But the family doesn't want to "create trouble" for their new community. Most people don't even know that this has happened. I'm sitting here, trying to think of what to say, when all I can do is shake my head. Instead of becoming more tolerant, in so many ways I see our society as a whole becoming less and less tolerant of differences. I just don't understand.

Monday moods

I woke up this morning to a Lucie Blue Trembley song playing on the radio. Lesbian folk music being played on public radio! I couldn't believe it! It made me smile, and seemed like a good omen for the day. I remember when I was in college and a friend of mine labeled all her lesbian music with a red dot, so she'd know at a glance which ones she could only pull out for certain company. Now it is on mainstream radio!

From there, I got on the bus to work and started reading the paper (which for some mysterious reason has been delivered to my house the past several monday and tuesday mornings). One of the first things I read was a column by Molly Ivins on the fact that we are debating on whether or not torture is ok. My mood did a complete 180. From peaceful and relaxed I moved right into angry and cynical. I totally agree with her ideas. The idea of torture should NEVER even be considered. Ever. Not by us, not by any body. But just because THEY might do it, does that give us the right to as well? I certainly hope not.

And that brought up the whole idea of Dru Sjoden's killer again. Is what happened to her horrific? Definitely. Should the man be punished? Most definitely. Should the man be killed? Most definitely NOT. I remember even as a fairly young child questioning the death penalty. If someone gets put to death for killing someone, don't we then have to put the person that put said killer to death to death? And so forth and so one? Until there is no one left? The death penalty is not an answer to ANYTHING. Any more than all the killing in war is. I certainly hope this is not a symptom of the way things are to go here in the upper midwest. And I hope if I ever get called for this kind of case, I have the courage to face the court and say "I will NEVER agree to put someone to death."

First Friday

Here it is, the first friday of my new fulltime schedule. I am having a hard time adjusting to the concept of this. Even leaving work yesterday, I had to remind myself that I didn't need to take things home for the weekend yet, because I still had another day. I was almost afraid I wouldn't remember to come -- that goodness the girls needed to be gotten off to school! The one nice thing about it though was that after just one week of fulltime work, my paycheck reflected it more than I expected it would.

Met with MK's teacher last night before curriculm night. One week into school and she's already behind in homework. Sigh. I hope we got a system worked out to keep her on top of things. I know a lot of it is her ADD, but I can't help but feel a lot of it is also intentional -- that she is constantly trying to get out of doing her work. Maybe I need to do more research on ADD kids. With three kids bringing home homework now, it's going to be a challenge to keep on top of it, plus practicing, plus their other activities. Free time is going to be a thing of the past. I'm beginning to think sleep is too....

Monday, Sweet Monday -- Not!

I am SO not a morning person, and mondays make life even tougher. To top it all off, this is the day that I start back to work fulltime, after 6 years of fridays off. Nevermind that I won't actually experience the fulltime sensation until the end of the week -- it's just staring at the five work days ahead of me thats tough.
To add to that, my lunch date cancelled, and my office neighbors just had cake to celebrate a birthday and I wasn't invited. I know -- whine whine -- but it all adds up on monday mornings!

Over saturday night, the two older girls spend saturday night with my ex. The youngest opted for a sleep over at a seldom-seen friend's. Last night, my middle daughter started asking me about my ex's and my break up, and was really angry with me. I made her move out because I yelled at her. S didn't want to hear about MY side of things -- why I was yelling, or what made me yell. My ex is a big one for tears -- and since I made her cry, it was all my fault. It was a very tough conversation, ending with S turning her back to me in bed. I know she is only a child, but it hurt. Finally she rolled over to ask me another question, and all I could say is "I hope you'll understand why I did this when you get older." She's only 6 -- what more can I tell her? I certainly still seem like the meanie, since I'm the one with all the rules, and I can say when they go or stay.

This morning wasn't a very good one either-- no one wanted to go to school. For MG, all the spanish in kindergarten is overwhelming. She doesn't understand anything, even when the teacher uses hand gestures. S doesn't like her new teacher. S is very sensitive, and this teacher is a bit rough around the edges. It's a hard adjustment for her -- but one I HOPE will happen. After all, it's only been 4 days (and only 2 for MG).

Yes, it most definitely is a monday morning. And perhaps one even reflective of its historic happenings.

Mommy blues

Yesterday was my baby's first day of kindergarten. Since she's the third I've sent off, and she is at the same school with the same kindergarten teacher as the other two, I didn't think it would be such a big deal for me. And she went to a pre-K program at another public school last year (1/2 day). But I couldn't sleep the night before. And when we got there yesterday (she went on the bus, and I met her at school), she didn't want me to go. It's a spanish immersion school, and I think the reality of everything being in spanish really overwhelmed her. I had to pull away and leave her in tears. It was very hard. Even though she does that to me a lot (even when I leave her somewhere she is comfortable) and I know she'll be fine 5 minutes later. I still worried about her all day.
After school, she went to a latchkey program with her sisters. We've been picking her sisters up there for years, so she knows the staff and the layout, so I thought that would be fine. She told me last night she didn't want to go back. She got yelled at for doing something, and the staff member told her "you know the rules!" She told me, "But I don't know the rules." So I called the supervisor, and she said she'll sit down with her today and go over them. That made her feel better.
This morning I asked her "are you excited about school today?" She yawned and said "I'm excited about naptime. I wish it was the first thing!" But she seemed better than yesterday when I left her today. And her teacher said she had cheered right up yesterday (typical!). On monday, I am not going to meet them at school. I hope that goes ok.
*****
This past week, my best friend from college has been visiting. It has been 8 years since I have seen her, and that was at a wedding. I was a bit nervous, but we picked up just where we left off. It has been a wonderful week spending with her. And she has given me a good perspective on my life. She has told me that she is so glad to see all that I have and how happy I am with my girls. Sometimes I forget that I am so blessed -- I am so busy looking at what I DON'T have, I forget what I have accomplished. She is wonderful with the girls. All morning they said to me "we are really going to miss her!" She lives in Maine, so maybe one of these summers we'll make a trip out there!

A week of mixed emotions -- mostly good, but that underlying sadness of watching my girls grow up...